Sanguinary
by cein
Summary: Deeks isn't the only one who's good at beating themselves up, Kensi is a master at it as well. Post ep to Personal from Kensi's POV


Title – Sanguinary

Author: Ceindreadh  
Permission to archive: Yes to WWOMB, anybody else, please ask first.  
Genre: hurt/comfort, angst, post ep  
Characters: Kensi

Rating: T  
Summary: post ep to Personal, Deeks isn't the only one who's good at beating themselves up.

Word count: 1,600

Warnings: none

Spoilers: Up to and including S2 ep 17, Personal  
Disclaimer. I don't own the NCIS LA characters, I'm only borrowing them, no copyright infringement is intended

* * *

His blood was on her hands, both literally and figuratively thought Kensi as she scrubbed her hands clean in the hospital ladies room. She hadn't been able to avoid getting blood on her herself as she'd helped her injured partner first to the ground, and then later onto the gurney that the hospital staff had rushed to him.

But every gasp and grunt of pain from Deeks's mouth had been a reminder to her that this was her fault.

Kensi didn't blame herself for Deeks getting shot, knowing that by accepting a person as a partner, that the targets on their back were effectively painted on yours as well. If she'd been the collateral damage from a revenge attack by any of the names on Deeks's list, she wouldn't have blamed him.

No, it was the second vigil in the hospital corridor that had left her wracked with guilt. The doctors had assured her that it looked worse than it was, that her partner would be stitched back together, his blood loss replaced, and he would soon be none the worse for wear as a result of his unanticipated outdoor excursion.

But it shouldn't have happened, shouldn't have been *allowed* to happen in the first place, and Kensi knew that if she hadn't neglected her duty, had been more on the ball, then it never would have come to this.

She'd neglected her duty, her protection detail. "You are safe, they are not." The words rang hollow in Kensi's ears as she scrubbed at the blood.

How could she have been so foolish? So reckless…so arrogant as to assume that she was the only person who could keep Sam and G from harm. Never mind that they had already been apprised of the danger and so would be on their guard. Never mind that they were well armed and with a fully prepared tactical support team behind them.

No, she had thought that she'd needed to sail in like Wonder Woman, all guns blazing to save the day. Even if there *had* been an ambush and a firefight, all the bullets would have fired by the time it would have taken her to get to the scene. Just like it had all been over by the time Callen and Sam had shown up to 'rescue' her.

Only thanks to Deeks's heroic assist, she hadn't needed rescuing.

"Some cop," Deeks had said morosely a few hours earlier.

"Some partner," said Kensi to her reflection as she splashed some water on her face. Bad enough that she'd completely abandoned her protective detail, leaving Deeks, her responsibility, to the tender mercies of the L.A.P.D. – and boy had Sam been pissed at the guards who had managed to let Deeks get all the way down to ground level and squeeze off a handful of shots before they'd caught up with him. Kensi knew that Sam certainly wouldn't mince his words with *her* either once her full report on the incident was in.

No, the worst part of the whole situation thought Kensi as she returned to Deeks's room, was that she hadn't listened to her partner. The situation replayed itself in her mind, over and over. Deeks had spelt it out to her, all the clues that pointed towards his shooting being merely a ploy to attack the team. She'd alerted Eric to warn the others…and then she'd left. "You are safe, they are not." But Deeks hadn't been finished. "Wait, I'm still thinking." She had been on her way out the door, hadn't given him a second thought as she'd rushed for the elevator. If she'd only waited a few seconds, stayed by his side like she'd been supposed to, protected *him* instead of Deeks having to protect her, then maybe he wouldn't be lying there, face pale, dark circles under his eyes, looking as if he'd never wake up again.

"He's still very weak," the Doctor had warned her when Kensi had asked if she could see Deeks after he'd been patched up. "Best thing now is to let him rest."

"It's just for a few minutes," Kensi had told her, flashing her badge. "He's my partner, I just need…"

The Doctor had nodded understandingly. "Five minutes, but I should warn you, we've given him something for the pain, so he's probably not going to be all that alert for a few hours."

She didn't need him to be alert, thought Kensi as she stood by the bed. She just needed to know that he was alive. Reassurances from the doctors and nurses were all well and good, but she needed to see it for herself.

Kensi showed her badge to the police officer stationed outside the entrance to Deeks's room. While it was more than likely that Deeks's life was not in danger, had never been in any danger, nobody, least of all Hetty, was taking any chances. As well as the oh so obvious uniformed cop, Kensi had been notified that there would be at least one NCIS agent in the vicinity at all times until their investigations confirmed that the threat was contained.

Kensi glanced at her watch as she sat by Deeks's bed. This time there had been no need to plead her case to be allowed to be there for her partner. Callen had told her that he and Sam would handle the clean up outside. "You stick with Deeks," he had told her. "I'll clear it with Hetty." Kensi knew that the job wasn't over, just because all the apparent suspects were dead. The case couldn't be closed until they had made sure that there was nobody higher up the food chain still involved.

Watching the slow rise and fall of Deeks's chest, Kensi was half wishing that Callen had ordered her back to base immediately. Perhaps it was for the best that Deeks was still sleeping, she thought. She wasn't sure how she could look him in the eye again. Earlier, he'd been in too much pain, too exhausted to do more than slump in her arms as they'd waited for assistance. Now though, once he'd had time to think, to realize that his so called partner, had ditched him without a backwards glance, Kensi knew that Deeks would be completely justified in requesting that Hetty partner him with somebody who could be trusted to stick to her post no matter what.

"I'm' sorry, Deeks," said Kensi, softly. "This whole thing was my fault...I don't know why they made me a target." She forced a smile onto her face, even though there was nobody to see it, "Guess I must be doing my job right if somebody wanted to go to all that trouble." The smile faded as she continued, "I just wish they hadn't had to hurt you to do it." The sound of an incoming text made her jump and she fumbled quickly in her pocket. The screen was scratched from when it had been knocked out of her hand, but she was able to read the message from Eric 'ID'ed the perps. Hetty wants you back at base, ASAP'. Kensi bit her lip in frustration, but sent a quick acknowledgement, knowing that she couldn't put off facing the music. Her report on the case would contain the full details of how badly she'd let Deeks down and if Hetty decided that Deeks would be better off with a more reliable partner, then so be it.

"Deeks," she said, as she stood. "I…I have to go back to ops now. There's a guard outside, an agent on the floor. You're safe…you *will* be safe…this time." She fumbled for his hand and clasped it gently. "I am so sorry...I…" Deeks's hand squeezed Kensi's, almost making her jump. "Deeks?" she said again, but his eyes remained closed. "I'll be back later. Be good and I might tell Nurse Debbie you deserve a sponge bath after all!" There was no response, but Kensi left feeling somewhat better about the future.

She stopped at the Nurse's station outside Deeks's room. "Excuse me, Nurse," said Kensi, to the woman who appeared to be in charge. "My partner, Detective Deeks."

"Is everything all right?" asked Nurse Wu.

"Yes, it's just that Deeks," said Kensi, "I know this might sound weird…but do you think you could make sure he has some jello for when he wakes up? He didn't get to eat it earlier today, and I'd kind of like him to have some now."

"If he's not nil by mouth, I'm sure we can arrange that," said Nurse Wu. "You're a good partner to be looking after him like that."

"Yeah, I'm one hell of a partner all right," said Kensi, half under her breath as she started to turn to leave. "It's my fault he's here in the first place."

"Everybody makes mistakes, it's what you do afterwards to fix them, that's what counts," said Nurse Wu. "Come back in the morning, and I'm sure your partner will be happy to see you. Until then, we'll look after him for you."

"Thank you," said Kensi. "And good night."

The End

Author's Note: Sanguinary – Accompanied or characterized by bloodshed


End file.
